Katarata

Sana’y nanatili kang bulag
Upang anyo ko’y di mo mamasdan
Isang taong likha ng nakasisindak na imahinasyon
Na di matatarok ng bulok na sibilisasyon
Ipikit ang iyong mata upang di makita
Ang katotohanan na kay hapdi, o kay saklap
Pakinggan mo ang malayong boses sa ilang
Saklolo ang hingi, hindi awa, hindi simpatiya
Ano ba ang ginawa mo para sa kanila?
Ngayon na ika’y nakakakita na ng tuluyan?
At bakit ngayon ay bakas ang tulo ng iyong mga mata?
Umiiyak ka’t dugo ang iyong naging luha

Post Mortem

Ginusto ko ba ang mapag-isa
O sadya lang yata akong nabalisa?
Sa mga pangyayaring di ninanais
Na ngayon ay siya kong itinatangis
Kailan pa naging mabuti ang mundo?
Siyang matagal ng tanong ng sarili ko
Bakit ngayon ko lamang ‘to napagtanto?
Caramba! Ako pala’y isang multo
Lagi ko kayong nakikita saan man
Di man lang napuna na ako ay dumaan
Tunay ngang ako’y patay na siyang nilimot
At sa lupa’y nakabaon, nabubulok

Walang Maikuwento - Arvin Villanueva

Noong high school, tinanong ako ng aking guro sa Filipino kung ano ang pangarap kong maging balang araw. Wala pa sa isip ko noon ang mag Polsci o mag Law kaya wala akong naisagot.

“Alam mo, magaling kang magsulat.”

Malaki ang impact sa akin ng limang salitang iyon. Sa isip ko, magaling ba talaga akong magsulat o sadyang nagbibiro lang yung guro ko noon? Lahat naman siguro ng tao may angking galing sa pagsusulat, kailangan lang nating tumpakin kung papaano natin maikukuwento iyon at kung papaano natin magagawa iyon bilang isang inspirasyon sa iba. Sabi na rin Mr. Eros Atalia sa isang talk na napuntahan ko, lahat tayo may kanya-kanyang kwento. Hindi lang natin alam kung papaano natin ito maikukuwento. Feel the power of the force (tunog Darth Vader with the noise of his breathing).

No more inkblots

“Ba’t di ka na nagsusulat?” tanong sa akin ng dati kong kaklase sa isang event. Napaisip ako doon sa tanong, sa totoo lang. Hindi naman sa talagang literal na hindi na ako nagsusulat di sana pala bagsak na ako sa college. Hindi nagsusulat sa paraang hindi na ako gumagawa ng mga akda na pwedeng i-publish o di kaya’y ipanlaban sa mga literary contests. Yung mga dati kong ginagawa na ngayon parang ayoko na. “Wala na akong oras. Ang hirap.” Simpleng sagot na mismong sa sarili ko alam kung hindi makatwiran dahil sa totoo lang may oras ang lahat, hindi lang natin ito napagtutuunan ng pansin kasi posible naman talagang magsulat e. Siguro wala lang talaga akong maisip na bagong pakulo. Siguro tinatamad lang ako dahil sa mga pangyayari sa buhay ko na hindi kanais-nais. Siguro dahil bihira ko na lang makita yung mga taong talagang nagbibigay inspirasyon sa akin upang makita ang mundong gusto kong isulat sa aking mga akda. Mga taong may buhay, may sariling pilosopiya at masarap makakwentuhan. May pagkakataon na ganyan. Minsan, sa sobrang tuwa mo sa nabasa mo, gusto mong makakita ng taong hawig ng bida o di kaya yung sidekick niya. O kung medyo weirdo ka, gayahin mo yung asta noong kontrabida (Let’s put a smile on that face!) Di ko na maalala kung may nagtanong nito o ako lang ang nagtatanong nito pero bakit raw Paroxysm of Abstracted Thoughts ang title ng blogsite ko, hindi naman kasi talaga pwedeng gamitin ang abstract thoughts sa pagsusulat dahil sa totoo, isa itong mortal sin. Baka patayin daw ako ng mga mambabasa kung sakali. Sa pagsusulat kailangan daw may coherence at unity. Hmmm. Abstracted Thoughts dahil hindi buo. Parte lang ng isang malaking bagay na mahirap maisulat sa papel kasi malawak ang kayang isipin ng tao, hindi lang ito nakukulong sa tinta ng bolpen at papel. Kaya lang, may pagkakataon na gusto nating iparating sa mga tao ang mga kaisipin na pwedeng magsilbing tulong sa mga hindi mo naman ganoon kakilala. Microcosm. Hindi ako naniniwalang ang lahat ng bagay ay naisulat na. Hindi totoo yun. Hangga’t kayang mag-isip ng mga tao, makakagawa ito ng mga kabaliwan na maaring maging realidad sa hinaharap. Diyan nagsisimula ang lahat. Lalawakan mo ang imahinsayon mo kahit na iisipin ng iba na takas ka sa mental hospital. Divergent thinking kasi iba-iba tayo. Huwag mong sanaying lagi kang makiuso sa ibang tao dahil kinukulong mo ang sarili mo sa napakaliit na bartolina. You don’t have to follow the mainstream, go to the point that the mainstream will follow you.

“Does the past exist concretely, in space? Is there somewhere or other a place, a world of solid objects, where the past is still happening?” –O’Brien (1984)

Magaling si Orwell. Maaring ang isasagot mo sa tanong na iyan ay nakasulat ang nakaraan sa ating kasaysayan at ito ang susi o ebidensya na nangyari nga ang isang kaganapan. Isipin mo na lamang na burahin natin ang kasaysayan natin o di kaya may magmanipula sa ating persepsyon sa realidad at kasaysayan. Ang saklap! Kaya kayo, huwag ninyong i-take for granted ang history. Kung magkataong mangyari ang hula ni Orwell sa kanyang 1984, mas gugustuhin ko ng mauna at huwag ng matuklasan ang mala-hayop na mundo na kontrolado ng sakim na partido. Mahirap magsulat ng pangyayaring matagal ng lipas. Si John Ruskin na rin ang nagsabi na: “The only history worth reading is that written at the time of which it treats, the history of what was done and seen, and heard out of the mouths of the men who did and saw.” May pagkakataon na karamihan sa mga nangyari noon ay maaring limot mo na o maaring naiba na ang interpretasyon mo sa mga pangyayaring naganap. At baka magkaroon pa ng krisis sa pagsulat ng kasaysayan dahil hindi mo nabigyan ng hustisya ang paglalahad nito. Kalalabasan: mali ang magiging interpretasyon ng susunod na henerasyon sa mga nangyari noong panahong hindi nila natunghayan. Sabi na rin ni Albert Ellis, “The way we feel depends on the way we interpret events rather than on the events themselves.” Parang naisip ko ulit yung pananaw ko tungkol sa katotohanan. Para kasi sa akin, maraming uri ng katotohanan at iyon ay nangyari marahil dahil na rin sa iba-iba ang interpretasyon ng mga tao sa iisang bagay lamang. Mga bagay na nakikita nila at nararamdaman, naririnig at napapansin. Minsan nasabi ko sa sarili ko na the reality about truth is that there is no truth at all. Ang hirap kasi bigyang ng perpektong kahulugan ang katotohanan. Ang katotohanan na alam mo ngayon ay maaring isa pa lang kasinungalingan na hindi mo lang natanto at ang kasinungalingan na alam mo ngayon ay maari pa lang maging isang katotohanan na hindi mo lang din napansin. Kumbaga sa madaling salita, walang borderline kasi mayroon nga silang tinatawag na half-truths at half-lies. The truth will set you free base na rin sa Ebanghelyo ni Juan 8: 31-32. Kung gagamitan ng lohika ang sinabi ni Jesus rito, ibang katotohanan ang sinasabi niya hindi iyong katotohanan na sinasabi ko kanina.Yung kanina, katotohanan iyon na sa sangkatauhan lamang masasabing applicable kasi hindi perpekto ang tao. Pabago-bago ng isip. Rational. Makikilala ninyo ang katotohanan. Personipikasyon. Hindi nakikilala ang katotohanan, nalalaman ito ng tao. Natutuklasan sa paglipas ng panahon at natutunan sa sariling experiensya. Sa bersong ito, sinasabi na si Jesus ang katotohanan na siyang magpapalaya. Katotohanan na ano? Katotohanan na siya ang magliligtas sa ating mga kasalanan. Maski kasaysayan natin, pinatunayan na ito. Di ba nga ang kasaysayan natin ay nahulma sa punto-de-vista ng nanalong panig? Buti ngayon marami sa atin inaalam ang mga nangyayari sa kabuuhang konteksto at hindi lamang sa iisang parte. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Matagal mo ng alam pero yung tipo bang kapag binasa gamit ang naiibang interpretasyon ay parang may nalaman ka na ring bago…at hindi ito masama! Hindi nito kinakalaban o kinukwestiyon ang validity ng katotohanan na alam mo na dati at ng iba. Wala namang binago’t wala rin namang sinabing mali. Sa totoo nga lang, mas pinagtibay pa ang mga claim ng nakararami at nabigyan ng hustisya ang kasaysayan dahil hindi ito biased at walang kinikilingang panig. Para sa akin, yun ang katotohanan. Iisa lang ang nangyari, iba-iba nga lang tayo ng interpretasyon. (*Gonna revise or add something more if the time permits.)

Ako na Manunulat ni: Arvin Villanueva

Seryoso? Ako, manunulat? Sabagay…hindi naman masama ang mangarap e. Pero nangarap ba talaga ako? Hindi rin siguro. Sa totoo lang, mahirap ang mangarap. Sa kaso ko, marami akong pangarap sa buhay, di ko lang alam kung paano ko maisasakatuparan dahil kailangan ko munang tapusin ang kurso ko. Gusto kong maging manunulat, artist, guro at maging abogado. Pero walang hiya, hahatiin ko katawan ko? Paano yun?

Tabula rasa mode.

Marami akong gustong ikuwento. Fiction o non-fiction papatulan ko. Simula pa noong bata ako, pinipilit ko ng gumawa ng nobela pero ayun, frustrated novelist hanggang ngayon. Ang hirap gumawa ng nobela sa parte ko. Alam ko naman yung kwento ko at may outline naman ako kung paano ko patatakbuhin ang kwento kaya lang, ang hirap pagsabayin ng pag-aaral at pagsusulat, lalo na ngayong kolehiyo. Minsan inisip ko na baliw na yata ako. Gusto kong sumulat pero Political Science ang aking kurso. Ang layo. Sabi nila dapat nag Creative Writing na lang ako. Pero dahil sa yabang na rin siguro ng ego ko, hindi ko na sila pinakinggan dahil sabi ko sarili ko kaya ko naman magsulat ng libro kahit na hindi ko kunin ang Creative Writing.

Hindi ako magaling na manunulat. Sumali na rin ako sa iba’t ibang contests pero rejected ako lagi. Pag may sasalihan naman ako minsan bigla na lang akong tatamarin dahil sa sobrang raming schoolworks at kung ano ano pa. Lahat ng akda ko, puro dead manuscripts. Simula doon sa The Prediction before the Fiftieth Year (na ngayon ay hindi ko na mahanap. Hooray!), Ang Vigilante (masyadong korny), at ang Dr. EM (maganda sana ito e). Walang kwenta, di na ako umasenso.

Pero pagdating sa blog, medyo masipag ako. Di ko alam kung bakit. Siguro outlet ang blogsote ko ng mga pagaagam-agam ko sa buhay. Mas okay siguro kung magfocus na lang ako sa blogging…sa ngayon. Sana naman bigyan ako ng pagkakataon na tapusin ang mga nobela ko kahit yung Dr. EM lang. Tsk.

Kung sa maikling kwento naman, siguro ang pinakagusto ko sa lahat ng nagawa ko ay yung “Dula-Dulaan sa loob ng Lumang Teatro” na nailimbag sa school publication naming noong high school. Simple lang siya pero may twist ng unti sa ending. Parang Ang Huling El Bimbo yung dating kaso pag-arte at hindi pagsayaw. May nagtanong sa akin (ewan ko lang kung imahinasyon lang ito, nakalimutan ko na kasi kung sino nagtanong) kung sino raw ang inspirasyon ko doon, hindi ako sumagot. Hindi sa dahil wala akong inspirasyon noon ngunit dahil takot akong sabihin kung sino ba talaga yung nirereplica noong babaeng iyon. Syempre buhay pa siya, malayo nga lang sa ngayon at madalas ko na lang siyang makita.

Sino siya? Huwag na nating pag-usapan. Matagal ko na ring nalimutan. S

Sabi nila, wala daw akong kwenta magsulat. Hindi naman ako nagalit. Sabi ko naman, mas mabuti na iyon kaysa naman sa magsulat ako ng may kwenta pero pag binasa ko ay parang hindi naman ako ang nagsulat. Mas mabuti ng malaman ko na pangit ako kaysa sa malaman ko pa ito sa ibang tao at kukutyain ako ng walang katapusan habang ako ay nabubuhay.

At dito nagtatapos ang walang kakwenta –kwentang blog entry ko. Sa susunod ulit.

At ngayon lang ulit ako magsusulat

Ang hirap ng ganitong sitwasyon, yung tipong hindi mo nagagawa yung mga bagay na gusto mo gawin dahil may mas importante ka pang dapat na gawin kaysa yung bagay na gusto mo talaga. Ang hirap baliktaran ng katotohanan, tila daig pa yung assignment nung prof namin sa Ecology na wala naman yatang ginagawa kundi mag “emote” lang. Bakit kaya yung mga tao pang sobrang galing at kahanga-hanga ang siya pang mapagkumbaba? Yung iba parang low-profile naman pero ang asta parang diyos na dapat halikan ang paa habang dumadaan. Nakakabanas na nakakabobo. Sa lahat kasi ng bagay ay ang pagiging mapagpakumbaba ang isa sa mga pinakamahirap na magagawa ng tao. Hindi pwedeng sabihin sa iba na ikaw ay mapagkumababa dahil hindi na pagpapakumbaba ang gayon. Ipinapakita ito at hindi sinasabi. Hayaan mo ng ibang tao na ang makapansin sa iyo na hindi ka mayabang di katulad ng karamihan diyan.

Humility is like a body odor. You have it yet you don’ t know it.

Simple thoughts na medyo bumabagabag sa akin ngayon. Naglipana na kasi ang mga mayayabang na tao sa paligid ko. Buti na lang may mga totoo pang tao na natitira at maasahan.

Makatulog na nga lang.

Down with Big Brother.

Fast Forward - Arvin Jay Villanueva

What if I say I am not like the others? –Foo Fighters

Given that such life remote control exists (a cliché element in any sci-fi movies today), I wish to go back to those times where the atmosphere is as innocent as carefree. As the luminescent beam shove my life like a stupid git, I am now on the brink of infinite confusion on how things have been the way it is now. Far as the eye could see, those memories are waning like bittersweet love letters thrown at the threshold good for nothing. It’s like going back from the start and moving on in an alternate reality. Things have been abnormal for me. Or is it otherwise for I believe in a reality that seems to be extinct? Nobody cares, forget it. Not even the people I care the most.

I am longing for that remote control. I like to fast forward this chapter or maybe I can also click the scene selection to avoid and escape the gory scene in a horror movie.
Salutations are stupid, desolation is ironic and writing seems apathetic these days but in spite of every misery from these harsh realities, I still try to be a sensible person as possible. But that doesn’t mean I am being a bogus here. I try to be one because it is the only way to accept the truth. I still cannot see why those people seems like they doesn’t care anymore after all these years that we have been through and all of a sudden, everything just popped up and vanished into thin air. I have enough for such but I don’t give up yet. There is still this intricate possibility for a change. Life is not constant and uncertainty is one of its surprises. Change topic. I sound stupid.

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” a famous adage from Gautama Buddha.

This made me thinking while browsing for quotes and it is one of those sensible quotes that I have seen recently. It contradicted my belief because for me, past is part of the present for without the past, you cannot be what you are now without the conflicting events from it. Future is the aftermath of the present and in order to have an equilibrium direction for guidance, you need to plan for your future. They are intertwined, not separated. But of all three that were mentioned, the most complex is the future. Future is blurred and could be unexpected. It is just like gambling and you may not know who will be the winner. And I have already written before that going to the future is absolutely possible but changing or going to the past is not. Ironic but true.

Now I sound like an alien…

Ordinaryong Scenario ni Vin Villanueva

“The truth about reality is that there is no truth at all.”

“What kind of writing is this?” pagalit na asiwa ng aking propesor sa literatura na nakatitig ng masama sa akin at nakakunot ang noo.

“Sir, I believe you said that this subject respects the idea of free writing and I am only living on your philosophy that’s why I wrote that.” sabay turo ko sa hawak niyang papel na kanina lang ay binabasa niya.

“Well. But is this the real format? Is this what we have discussed? It lacks coherence and what you have written doesn’t mean anything much to me! I’ll fail you for this.”

At pakutya niyang binasa ang hawak niyang papel sa buong klase.

“Sir.” sabay tayo ko “did I just tell you that I am writing just to pass this subject? The heck no. I am writing in order to make a difference that you or anybody from the academe haven’t done in the duration of their professorial tenure. This is innovation, sir. A great leap forward from the humdrum and traditional way of writing, which I think is very obsolete nowadays to be applied in this generation. I only used a post-modernist approach to splatter those abstract yet unified thoughts inside me.”

“Dapat nilagay mo yan sa paper mo! Mukhang basura itong pinasa mo sa akin and I am not satisfied with this piece John.”

“Of course.” di ko na mapigilan yung tawa ko sa matanda kong propesor. “…how could you be satisfied if in the first place, you haven’t even tried to look at my paper yet.”

Biglang tumaas ang kilay ng propesor ko at tila naguluhan sa sinabi ko.

“By the way sir I am not John, I am Stephen… and what you are holding is not my work.”

Tila naging sabungan ang loob ng klase sa sobrang ingay at tawa.

Birthday?

Mahilig tayong magpalibre kapag may kakilala tayong may birthday. Ang hilig natin sa handa. Ang hilig natin sa blow-out. E paano pala kung walang pera yung celebrant? Babatiin mo pa ba siya?
Hindi ko birthday ang July 11. Huwag kang maniwala sa kanila. HAHAHAHAHA.

When I was an alien

Drowning myself to the addictive music of Nevermind while relaxing after those dreadful hours in class -- that’s how I usually spend my time with the laptop. Days grew by and alienation really is conquering me seriously. Next track: Come As You Are. As the weird guitar sound exhumes my inner thoughts, the deeper I feel the pain that has been there for a long time. 2 years, I think.

Memory, yeah… It echoes in my mind.

Almost 2 years and yet boredom is still there. Excitement is dead, just like punk or grunge. Fads rise in the airwaves and I am sick of it. I am not a hater but it is a vexation in me. And the worst part of that? I always hear it every day- whether in school or inside the mall. And suddenly, all things had gone quiet. Everything is very calm. No sound of distress around calling me for an errand or to do something. I turned off the music. The silence is too loud. Crystal clear. The wind outside the window breezes coolly as ever. Still thinking those stupid thoughts in my head, I comforted myself as I lay in my bed and look at the ceiling, staring as if it were made in a transparent glass, hence, like looking at the stars amidst the obscure skies of Metro Manila.

I suddenly stumbled upon an old suitcase that I always bring during my high school days; the trademark of my rudeness during those days. I tagged it as the keeper of all important things in my life, just like a treasure chest abandoned for years. I opened it up. The scent of old papers and ink oscillated in my nostrils. Dusts covered some of those memories hidden: those sketches I used to draw when I was bored while waiting for the next teacher, the projects where our group got the highest grade in the class, the certificates from the art contests and quiz bees, my high school diploma with my name and rank in our whole batch, included there is the certificate for a prestigious leadership award that I got during my graduation.

All of these are fragments of my past which is unknown to some. I don’t conceal them as secrets but I am not publicizing it to my friends either. As I closed that plastic suitcase, my sadness deepened and pierced me so much. Seems like those people that I have been close for 4 years are now so far away as we lead and direct our own paths to our own goals and dreams.
I just smiled when I saw a post in Facebook that sounds like this:

Di porket di na tayo close, wala na akong pakialam sa iyo.

Seems legitimate, especially to my situation.

It’s like lightyears. The near is still so far and it deceives me so much.

And all of these things still bothers me up to now.

(Infinite silence… Close my eyes… Search beyond my dreams.)
(*The title is taken from a line in the Nevermind album. Guess?)

Why Miriam? Why.

“I commend your ignorance"-MDC

The impeachment trial, admit it or not, would have been a bit boring without this hailed senator who, according to some, spews fire in the August Chambers with mixture of terrifying ire that always hits the instant headline news. Viewers were caught by this unseeming, or should say “unlimited” energetic pundit incomparable to her colleagues at the Senate. Result? Her rising blood pressure. The most notable one is her one-on-one encounter with Atty. Aguirre from the prosecution panel.


Anyway, let’s not count how many incidents Miriam used her fiery tongue to disprove and criticize the doubtful and suspicious acts of the prosecution team nor shall we talk about her life and achievements for it will take us ages before we can finish. Since the impeachment trial has already been put to a close, let us just move on and get going for it will only hamper progress . As we all know, MDS has been recently appointed as a judge of the International Criminal Court, such a distinction to the sublime senator who is also a skilled lawyer by profession. Last December 2011, the Filipino people embraced the good news and congratulated her for it is the first time in history that a Filipino made it to the position as such. And yet, without thinking twice, she made a remarkable decision that she will sit on and finish first the impeachment trial before vacating her position in the Senate and go to the Hague in order to fulfill her duties there. Sacrifice has to be made, I might say.


As we witnessed her stance on the trial for the past few months, we saw a Miriam who is determined to uphold the glory of what is truly on the law and in the Constitution . She made it to point that she even dissented and stood for what she believed is just for the chief magistrate. And guess what? Many people went nuts. Do I need to explain it further?


First, we don’t have to take personally what Miriam have said because she is just doing her part as one of the senator-judges. It is very saddening that many people raged their frustrations and hence wanted her to be out of the ICC. It is as if they try to show to ICC that Santiago is really unfit to uphold such position even though her track records had already disproved that. While the impeachment trial is on-going, petitions online coming from a minority group called U.S. Pinoys for Good Governance cited that the behavior the senator showed is very disturbing and thus she was tagged by them as "psychologically unstable," "lacking in patience and empathy," and "ruthless with the feelings of fellow human beings". For me, being ballistic is not subject to be considered as psychologically unstable. Her words may have hurt others yes, but seriously, would you take it personally? It is a trial in a sui generis court, not showbiz. Kampi-kampihan ba? To those who wanted her to be out of ICC, well, I hope you can do that but hey, you berate the ICC as well as if they did not carefully studied the background of Miriam. They have high standards mind you and an initiative like that will not be successful if your expectations say so.


My friends, lets just support her instead of bringing her down. Mga Pilipino talaga oh. •

This is WRITING?

For the past several years, I have been criticized by many whenever someone reads what I have written or when someone will borrow my notes in the class. The first impression that I will get from them: “Can you still understand this?”


True. My handwriting has been too mediocre and for the past five years, the style of own handwriting (too hard to picturesque without using a glint of imagination) hasn't changed nor did my writing vox. But does it really matter at all whether your handwriting is too obscure to read as if it was intended to ruin the ability of the person to read? Maybe. But the reality is there: it is one of my minor flaws as a human being.


I don't write in my journal as if I am writing a theme paper ready for submission or for checking. The theme paper is intended for formality or precision while in my journal I can write even in Swahili or in feeblish grammar and use gobbledygook and informal terms. Slang? Sometimes. Freestyle maybe. But my point here is the liberty to write in which way you want to without others dictating you which one is right or wrong because for God's sake it is your right in this democratic society to express yourself in whatever means! I don't want to strict myself in a very stubborn and uncomplicated style of communicating thoughts to others. It is only by means of free writing then can somebody understand what you think and feel unlike those status updates in Facebook and tweets, which were limits you in expressing your thoughts fully. Only a parcel of it can be posted. You don't expect to post a status update as long as this one or even longer? Or maybe for others it is otherwise. But hey, come to think of it.


And the reason why I am posting in this blogsite is to be able for anyone to view some of my entries in my journal and read them. Too bored to search and explore the inner depths of the Web that you even stumbled in this page.

(Yawn. What is happening in the Philippine politics?)

NEXT TOPIC

HELLO?

“The only tired I was, was tired of giving in.” –Rosa Parks

Ang hirap magsulat kung wala ka naman talaga na maisusulat na mahalaga o interesante sa mata ng mga mambabasa. Minsan, sumagi rin sa isip ko na ano nga bang saysay ng aking pagsusulat? Parang naging escapism sa akin ang mundo nito sa mga nakalipas na buwan na nagbibigay sa akin ng “ecstatic feeling” upang makalimutan ang mga bagay bagay na gumugulo sa aking buhay. Kumbaga, ito yung Fire Exit na binubuksan ko kapag nag-aalab na sa init ang buong lugar at tinutupok na nito ang lahat ng bagay na meron sa loob. No choice. Sa ayaw ko’t sa hindi, ang option ko ay gamitin yun or else patay ako. At mas trip ko magsulat kapag ako ay galit at asiwang-asiwa na sa mundo.

Habang palawak ng palawak ang mundong kinalulugaran ko sa ngayon na lalong nagpaparamdam sa akin na para akong alien ay pawalay naman ako ng pawalay sa mga mahalagang tao sa akin at ang hindi ko halos matanggap sa aking pagkatanto ay wala na talaga akong malapitan sa mga taong itinuring kong kaibigan noong mga nakalipas na panahon. Parang dati, okay naiintindihan ka pa nila kasi kaklase mo sila at parang iisa lang ang mundo at doon lang umiikot ang lahat. Habang ngayon, sa sobrang layo ng gap nagkakaroon na ng void. Parang minsan ayoko na lang magsalita kahit na sa totoo ay sobrang rami kong gustong sabihin. Kasi alam kong wala naman silang magiging feedback doon dahil preoccupied sila sa mga bagay bagay na malayo naman sa sitwasyon ko at ng sa iba.

Mahirap maging idealista, makata o dalubhasa dahil wala talagang gustong umintindi sayo. Naranasan ko na ito ng maraming beses parang pakiramdam ko talagang alien at out of this world ako. Hindi naman ako geek, hindi rin genius. Siguro medyo above average lang pero ang masama doon ay nakulong ako sa maling impresyon ng mga tao’t hindi na ako nabigyan ng pagkakataon na ipakita sa kanila kung sino ba talaga ako. Isang proweba ay ang description sa akin sa yearbook noong high school.

(To be continued…)

Why Lord Voldemort disturbs me

The sublime imagination of J.K. Rowling created a very mysterious and vehement villain which instantly became an icon of evil, a shadowy reflection of the dark side equalled to the famous villain of Star Wars, the evil Darth Vader. But unlike Vader, who from the very beginning was a good natured young Jedi, Voldemort a.k.a Tom Marvolo Riddle had a very dark past since he was a child. He is a disturbingly exceptional boy who existed in the world to be vile and wicked. Superiority matters to him for he thinks he is different compared to others (Yeah he can talk to snakes and his blood lineage is a bit impressive, being the Heir of Salazar Slytherin.). He likes to be special, no wonder he became immortal and resorted to a very cruel means - murder. Years ago when I was reading the sixth Harry Potter book, the past of Lord Voldemort is shown in the private lessons between Harry and Dumbledore and it got me thinking for a while as if I have known a particular person which is almost similar to him (except the looks of course!).

I have known that “very particular person” before as a very bright student who doesn’t want to be overpowered in terms of academics and she had this behavior which is a bit unpleasant to me as if she is the only person who has the sheer ability to be bright and special in the class. The statement here is somehow hypothetical, an observation rather than the accepted truth but I am very much sure that it is true. I admit she is smart and she deserves the recognition and praise she got but the deeper I look and sense her character, the more that something disturbs me that I for one cannot grasp- the occurrence in my head that part of Tom Riddle is living inside her, like a Horcrux if one may say so except of course, she doesn’t kill anyone and she is not bad at all. It is just surprising for me that a literary character like Voldemort shared a distinct similarity to her. I am not writing this to make a scandal or say libelous stories. I am just reminiscing my thoughts simply because it is still fresh inside me. I am not an enemy of her and I don’t want to be one. And luckily, she had already changed. Haha.

If you know the person I am talking about, just keep it in yourself. It is just a mere realization of certain things which encompass the weirdness of the adage that has been so famous than ever : “stranger than fiction”. (Drumroll please)

BAG IT! : Why my tattered bag still exists

When I was in high school not so long ago, I was always teased about the bags I always bring because it is so heavy and big as if I have just brought all the stuffs I have at home, not to mention that in our yearbook I was described as that lame kid who both have a "backpack and a file case loaded of books and other school supplies.” That description, sad to say, stereotyped me as a some sort of geek-like weirdo which in reality doesn’t even replicate my persona as a whole. Am I misunderstood or is it just because during that time I am still that stupid boy who is too immature to realize the congruencies and differences of the things related to the angst and fears of the teenage years?

Those bags, I have to admit, changed me a little bit.

I was so amused by the article of Jessica Zafra at the Phil Star last Sunday that memories once again flashed inside my head, reeling those things about bags and their importance. As of this moment, the bag that I am currently using is now in its third year of servitude to His Highness...me. Now in college, I cannot go out without bringing my personal bag. It has became my shadow ever since. All of my short stories, articles in the publication, essays, blog drafts and petty artworks are always stuck inside and I don’t even bother to care whether the guard who will check my bag at the entrance of a mall finds it too messy as if I have just muddled up everything just because of the rudeness in me.

In our everyday life as a student, our bag has became our friendly companion in everywhere we go. Personificating them as a friend is one weird thing but without thinking twice, there is this inanimate object that we always put in a chair whenever we are alone and sit beside it or sometimes we even hug the bag only to find out the dire need for a real companion in that particular time in your life. Forever alone? Na...I think not.

As I go and traverse Metro Manila and other provinces this summer season with my bag, truly I say, there is still a long way to go. Vamonos! (Trust me, I am not an avid fan of Dora the Explorer)

The bag in the picture, sad to say, has been stolen from me last Feb 6, 2013. It is in this bag where my first laptop is kept so yeah...sounds awful.

Because their Music Never Fades: Four persons that changed the Filipino rock scene

We live in an era wherein making good music comes to the point of wreckage. And with that comes my extreme frustrations to the contemporary Filipino music industry. But with almost a decade since being defunct due to still unclear reasons, the fact still remains that the die-hard fanatics of this band will always dream of another comeback miracle due to their extreme talent and coolness, keeping their music alive after so many years.


I am talking about the greatest Pinoy rock band that ever existed. Bow. Search the Internet for the greatest Pinoy rock band and most websites will pick The Eraserheads as top in their list. Wondering why these 4 UP grads ruled the 90s? Well, I am not in the position to say that because I am not fortunate to witness the grandeur of the Heads during that time and I only found their music interesting while listening to an FM radio during Sundays. Ang Huling El Bimbo is the first song that really struck me and one time I asked a relative of mine about the song, he simply answered “E-Heads na kanta yan. Kapanahunan ko pa yan nauso.” Compare there songs to today's songs and it still is superior both in lyrics and sound progressions.


Forget the theatrics and the near-death experience of Ely Buendia during the reunion concert. Luckily, he is still alive and currently sings as the frontman of Pupil. Their latest album Limiters of the Infinity Pool sounds cool and interesting for me but I don't want to compare it to the good old songs because it will be a some sort of disrespect to Ely. But to think that a reunion concert happened still makes a difference because only a few bands reunite after its broke-up because usually the reasons are too personal to discuss (Remember the interview to Rico Blanco?). But I just realized that after their reunion concert, obsession to their music have grown restlessly as if they are waiting for the E-Heads to release a comeback album. It’s too impossible now because they now have different interests and have already moved on.


Anyway, forget it. What matters is their music and how it shaped a generation. But hell, now is the era wherein Justin Bieber and Lady (Satanic) Gaga rule the radio stream and contemporary Pinoy bands (not all but only some) have these repetitive lyrics and music patterns that usually instead of being cool, has come to the point of annoying us and bringing out the misery of our consciousness in no time. No offense meant. Or maybe it is always time for me to move on like the E-Heads does because every era is a self-manifestation of its identity and I am stuck in the music of the 90’s: the popular songs that are now only heard every Sunday in FM stations. And maybe it is high time to close and instead go with what is now hip and cool nowadays. Heck, I will not swap E-Heads to any backhoed and stupid bands like –toot- toot and –toot-. It is too inimical and absurd. Why?


Because their (the E-Heads’) music never fades. Period. Just try to listen and appreciate their music while relaxing after a very tiring and busy day. You’ll remember something special from the past. No dull lyrics in their songs, easy to memorize and has this impact that will change your view in music... with a smile.

Tormented Heart by: Arvin Jay Villanueva

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
–Norman Cousins

I know it is not yet the celebration of the Mothers’ Day but still, something urged me to write this down and publish this in my blog site.

Many of us never really understood what it feels like when you lose someone special to you. And all of a sudden, a feeling of regret and pain will sink deep within as if the world has gone blank. A desolate place full of questions, one cannot describe the melancholic picturesque of life after the demise of that person, thus creating another form of reality a bit far from what we are used to in our daily routine.

And it is very hard to accept it even more if that person will be your mother.

Of all the persons in this world, admit it or not, your mother is the one that gives you this momentary space or rather a temporary comfort zone as your fortress of solitude when you have problems that clogs your persona, your esteem and your character as a whole. Brain-racking but somehow our own mother has this STOP signage that tells us to take a break and look at the brighter side of life. The old adage which says, “Mothers know the best” is very reflective indeed.

I know some people who are not that close with their mothers, these people who have bitter feelings or hatred with reasons that are quite justifiable yet a bit unreasonable too. I am not that close with my mother either but I have sympathy to her because she is the one who is always busy, being preoccupied with things just for us to have education and live a decent life. And this is the main reason why I am not that close to my mother, her being too busy. There are those times that I can’t talk to her personally as if a big gap has been precluded by some sort of force which is unexplainable and I can’t even make a theory of why it happens. It’s a bit weird, to tell you honestly.

But I enjoy those moments with my family and I never let a day pass without seeing them. A day without them is already numbing as hell.

I remember once again my adviser during my fourth year high school when he lost his mother last January 2011. And as far as I can remember, the booklet that he gave before our graduation have so many anecdotes about the importance of family, especially our own mother.

“If your mom is alive and close to you give her a big kiss and ask her for forgiveness. If she is far away, call her. If she passed away, pray for her.”
That’s the advice which can be found at the end of an anecdote in the booklet given to us last March.
*Condolences to my aunt who recently passed away. I know that my cousins are still on the process of accepting the loss of their beloved mother.

Pamatay-Araw

“To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven” -Karen Sunde
2/14/2012
2=B; 1=A; 4=D
2; 1+4
2;5
2=B;5=E
=BE
Be what?
Lonely? Happy? Romantic? Stupid? Ignorant? Cynic? WHAT?

Yung quote sa itaas, masyadong hindi makatotohanan. Tse!

Aminado akong hindi ko gusto ang February 14 kahit na dindidikta ng mundo sa akin na dapat maging masaya ako o di kaya ay may perang pambili ng panregalo para sa minamahal sa buhay at mamigay ng rosas sa kanila. Umagang-umaga pa lamang pagpasok ko sa eskwela ay kasabay ko ang grupo ng mga kalalakihan na bitbit ang mga rosas na kanilang ihahandog sa babaeng iniibig nila. Lahat halos ay nagbabatian ng Valentine’s Day habang ako naman ay ito, busy at problemado sa mga bagay na kailangan pang tapusin. For them this is a very special day but for me it is not a big deal as if it is just an ordinary day. I am not being cynic here. Haha.

Sa Valentine’s Day lang ba dapat magbigay ng ganyan sa minamahal sa buhay? Maraming nag-effort pa at nagmukhang tanga para lamang ipakita ang kanilang nais ipahatid na mensahe. Uso ang red habang sa hindi sinasadya ay black ang suot ko na may mukha pa ng nakakunot noong kontra-bida sa Harry Potter. Lilinawin ko: hindi ako bitter sa Valentine’s Day. Hindi ako nag-aalburuto diyan na wala akong girlfriend o kaya ay kadate dahil hindi ako nagmamadali at hindi ako hapit sa babae. Hindi pa tamang panahon para sa akin to enter into a relationship. I am still being preoccupied by the angst of immaturity in short.

Pero at the end of the day, ano ba ang natanto ko sa araw na kung tawagin ay Araw ng mga Puso?

1.) Malaki ang posibilidad na maging palapak ang plano mo kung gusto mong umamin sa babaeng matagal mo ng pinagpapantasyahan. Ang buhay nga naman. Tsk.

2.) Mauuwi lang ang pera mong matagal na pinag-ipunan sa wala, WALA at WALA. At mas masakit kong the day after ng date niyo ng babae ay hindi na kayo magpansinan. Ilusyon lang ang lahat ng nangyari.


3.) Mas mainan matulog at manood ng balita at maentertain sa bakbakan sa impeachment court kaysa sa mabroken-hearted dahil nalaman mong may kadate siyang iba.

4.) Mas enjoy ng mga single ang Valentine’s Day na kung tawagin nila ay INDEPENDENCE DAY. Mabuhay. HOOOOOO!!!

-AkosiArvinJayVillanueva. DUGONGPOLSCI.PUPian.

WHAT?

The news has been cobbled up with vexing side to side updates of what currently happens in the historical impeachment trial of the infamous Chief Justice Renato Corona ever since the unexpected reshuffling of events last year. We never imagined that it will lead to this situation that galvanized the neutrality of the democratic institutions in our government. The clash of the political giants in this warlike status quo in our government is misleading so to speak. As what a famous senator says, thanks to her rising blood pressure, the impeachment court is being turned into a “political circus” in which she cited that even though that this body is quasi-political and quasi-judicial, the Rules of Court will still prevail in able to construe that justice will be served well in this on-going trial. Fake documents!

Dollar bank accounts, ill-gotten wealth and failure to disclose the SALN to the public – all of these are still under the Article II of the Articles of Impeachment submitted to the Senate and as of this writing, it is now being turned into a lame and boring argumentation between the defense and the prosecution which may seem to be leading to nowhere. Addition to these are the unreasonableness of the witnesses subpoenaed when answering the questions of the senator-judges. But even though these things make the trial kinda lame, I still thank that the Senate President is a man with proven competence in tackling those issues pertaining to the Chief Justice. His maturity is proven enough and I admire him for this.

Delaying tactics, oh yes. Even though the Constitution safeguards the right to a speedy disposition of cases, it seems to be unlikely in this impeachment trial considering the fact that they assume that by end of late March, the trial is over already. It is not feasible to tell the truth. The whole world is watching on this and flaws in our politics were getting clearer in this one.

Addition to the fact that most of us doesn’t even care at all.

I like the segment of TV5 journalist Lourd de Veyra in one episode of his program Word of the Lourd titled “Impeachment for Idiots” wherein he asked the ordinary people in the streets about their understanding to the impeachment process. Sad to say the reality but all of those interviewed didn’t fully answered the question correctly. It’s quite funny to think that mass media had been talking about the impeachment trial almost everyday since the start of the trial and yet we don’t exactly grasp the meaning of that political and legal process? I don’t blame anyone here, not even the government itself. It’s just disappointing that as the sovereign, we don’t fully grasp the realm of the rights given to us with the exception of the right to be ignorant. The exigencies in the society are still there untouched: poverty, high prices, unemployment and the like. It’s always the problem and more likely those who suffer will be immune already that they no longer enjoy the rights and privileges granted by our Constitution.

As we are talking about this, I am beginning to appreciate more the real importance of studying political science and the laws themselves. It goes beyond the box which makes analyses to political issues involving the never ending conflict of interests between the rich and the poor and the continuing inequities in the society as well as corruption in the bureaucracy.

“Like people, like government” –J.P Rizal

This quote of Rizal still haunts me up to this point.

SAAN NA NGA BA TAYO PAPUNTA?

Nangarap tayo at nagbakasakali na makakamit ang tagumpay na inaasam. Achievers tayo kung tawagin noong high school pa tayo at naniniwala tayo sa kasabihang tiwala lang.

Nga pala, nasan na ang “tiwalang” iyon?

Sa sandali ng aking pakikipagbuno sa mga aklat na kailangan pang basahin ay pinilit kong isulat itong matagal ng nilalaman ng aking isipan. Aaminin ko na madilim ang aking pananaw habang sinusulat ko ito. Depressed? Burned-out? Fatigue? Ewan. Halo halo. Sa mga tamad magbasa ng ganito, maari na kayong tumigil dito pa lamang at baka ako pa ang maging sanhi ng pagkakaaksya ng oras ninyo, nakakahiya naman.

Totoo. Sawa na ako sa buhay ko sa pang araw-araw pero di nangangahulugan na gusto ko ng umayaw. Mahaba pa ang lalakarin sa daang bako-bako, paliko-liko na minsan ay mabato pa. Madadapa ka madalas ngunit ang mga sugat na matatamo mo ay magiging peklat lamang paglipas ng panahon. Karapatan nating bumagsak, tumilapon at maiyak dahil tayo’y tao lamang at kahit na hindi ko alam ang kalagayan ninyo sa ngayon dahil hindi na kayo nagpaparamdam, alam ko sa sarili ko na magpapatuloy kayo.

Pero hanggang doon na lang ako. Period. Kahit ano pang sabihin ko ay aminado akong wala na talaga akong alam tungkol sa inyo. Lahat ay nagbabago, oo. Pero sa pagbabagong iyon nawa’y hindi mabaon sa limot ang lahat. Sa mga pagkakataon na nakikita ko ang iba sa inyo minsan, iniisip ko kung kayo nga ba iyon o kamukha niyo lang dahil kahit titigan mo ay parang hindi ka talaga kilala.

Kailan ko nga ba huling nakita ang lahat? Parang kay tagal na noon at habang tinititigan ko ang mga larawan niyo noon ay iniisip ko kung tapos na nga ba ang lahat at wala ng mangyayari pa. Kahit na may event na nagaganap, ibang iba. Di ko maipaliwanag. Hindi na yata kayo yung kilala ko noon at malay ko rin ba na hindi na ninyo kilala ang “ako” na kilala ninyo noon. Mag-iisang taon na ang nakalipas ngunit talagang iba na nga ang ihip ng hangin.

Sana nga mali ako. Alam kong hindi panaginip ang lahat. Malungkot dahil parang hangin na lang ang laman ng garapon. Ilabas ang luha't doon itapon ang mga alaalang nagbigay inspirasyon sa lahat.

Ang hamon ko sayo ngayon: Saan tayo papunta?

Mga Bagay Bagay na Naiisip ng Katulad Ko sa Loob ng Maingay na Musika ng Jeep

Hapong hapo na ako at tila bumibigay na katawan ko sa sobrang pagod habang papauwi na ako ng bahay galing sa eskwela. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang bigat ng aking bag na puno ng mga aklat habang ang tiyan ko nama’y hindi pa napupunuan ng pagkain. Kung makakain nga lang ang libro eh. Magtitiis muna ako, papalapit na rin naman ako sa bahay. Halos paikot-ikot na lang ang mundo ko, hindi nagbabago. Gayon at gayon pa din. Mag-aaral, magsisikap at magpupuyat. Sa mundong ito na talamak ang kahirapan, sinong tao ba ang ni minsan ay hindi man lamang nagkaroon ng problema sa kanilang pang-araw-araw sa buhay?

Gusto kong sumigaw. Gusto kong magwala. Ang rami ko ng kapalpakan pero hindi ito ang dikta sa akin ng panahon. Kinukulong ako ng lipunang ito na kung saan pinapanigan ang mga makapangyarihan at inaalipusta ang karapatan ng karamihan. Hindi ako aktibista, hindi ako raliyista at hindi rin ako komunista ngunit sa lumalalang sitwasyon ngayon, san na nga ba ang tuwid na daan?

Nakakalito. Nakakabobo. Mapanlinlang sa mata ng masa.

Marami ang nagbibingi-bingihan, mahirap man o mayaman. Sarili lamang natin ang iniisip natin. Lahat ng bayani’y maagang namatay dahil sa kalupitan at bagsik ng mga taong higit pa sa impakto kung gumawa ng kasamaan. Militarisasyon ang pangunahing inaasikaso ng pamahalaan. Hindi natutugunan ang pangangailangan ng pamayanan. Kailan ba mabubuwag ang sistemang kay lupit na tila daluyong ng pwersang humahagupit?

Hindi ako makata, hindi ako politiko at hindi manloloko. Ako ay parte ng masa. Parte ng karamihang dumaranas rin ng hirap.

Tama na nga ito. Sa simpleng pag-iisip sa jeep naisip ko pa ang mga bagay bagay na ito. Ipipikit ang mata, iisiping lahat ay kay ganda. Ipapahinga ang katawan na tila isang walang hanggan. Pilipinas! Bumangon tayo sa bumabaluktot na pangunguna! Maging magiting, harapin ang kinabukasan at salubungin ang Inang Bayan.
-Arvin Villanueva

WASTING LIGHT

I certainly cannot start this with a very overwhelming quote nor can I write a very poetic preamble to this piece of trash. My purpose here is to express my disappointment and grief in the past months of that happened in my life. I never thought that I will feel so isolated that sometimes I wonder whether I am on the right track. I ask God for signs and I trust Him in His plans but filled with so much curiosity in my head, I really am very confused as if my world had already turned upside-down.

What am I talking about anyway? Let my clarify the situation I am currently in.

I am already beginning to feel the results of the past decisions that I have made and also the mistakes I’ve done and it is really awkward to discuss them one by one. But one thing is for sure: my first year in college in my university never turned to be that “wonderful”.

Having doubts as whether I have chosen the right school for me, I am really feeling the alienation sinking in me deep within. It is like a poison that kills and destroys in a very gruesome way.

I don’t have anything bad to say about my university and I am actually proud of being a PUPian but as of this writing, I am now having this thought in my mind that I accidentally chose the wrong university for my course and feeling numb about it, I am having this hard time thinking whether to transfer from another school although that major decision still needs some consultations from those people who are concerned. I don’t blame the professors here although yes they only attend classes whenever they wish to and the wasted hours just waiting for nothing is killing me. Going to school with all your efforts only to find out that there will be no classes is not a big joke. How can the students learn if they will not “teach” properly? Yes, I believe in the power and miracles of self-study but this alone will not save you from the harsh reality in the academe and it also has some negative effects, the essence of the student-teacher interaction is deteriorating.

I don’t know or maybe because I just missed high school that’s why I am grumbling about these things here or maybe it is only just the beginning because the road is still a long way and yet one of my options is to give up. I hope I will never choose that option and instead find a win-win solution that will solve my problems.

I believe in the power of the Almighty.
*Thanks for the Foo Fighters for “Wasting Light”

Ka Teddy- Dakila Ka!

Admit it. You have, for some time in your life as a student, encountered in your history class the name Teodoro A. Agoncillo (not Felipe Agoncillo, the diplomat of Aguinaldo) and probably many of you read his books as well. To some, he is the Father of Philippine Historiography (due to his nationalist approach in writing his books using the Filipino point of view) and for many, they don’t even have a single idea about who he really is.

Teddy, as known, to his colleagues, gave a very great contribution in a milieu wherein Philippine historiography was very unpopular since the history books before him are from American (or even European) point of view. It is very weird to say that we don’t have the guts to write a history book made purely and written through a nationalist’s perspective before. I admire his books. As a historian myself, I will always consider his books as the best choice when it comes on reading Philippine history. Nobody, not even Gregorio Zaide or Renato Constantino, can equal the National Scientist in History to date in terms of writing history.

History will always be my first love although I am more affiliated with Political Science as of now. It will always play a very important role as we go and take a look back to the past and anticipate what lies ahead.
`
As a tribute to his 27th death anniversary (Jan. 4, 1985), I would like to end this from a memorable work of his, excerpt from "Republikang Basahan".

Kalayaan! Republika! Ang bayani'y dinudusta.
Kalayaan pala itong mamatay nang abang-aba!

Kasarinlan pala itong ni hindi mo masarili
Ang dangal ng tahanan mong ibo't pugad ng pagkasi.

The Near is Still so Far

If we could travel into the past, it's mind-boggling what would be possible. For one thing, history would become an experimental science, which it certainly isn't today. The possible insights into our own past and nature and origins would be dazzling. For another, we would be facing the deep paradoxes of interfering with the scheme of causality that has led to our own time and ourselves. I have no idea whether it's possible, but it's certainly worth exploring.
-CARL SAGAN, NOVA interview, Oct. 12, 1999
Time machine is, hands-out, the most intricate human fancy for the last generations. It is that machine that feeds our own craves to see the past or the future and set the world in our hands in whatever period we want to be. For some, it is lunatic misconception for it fools us that we can change the past mistakes we’ve done and avoid tragedies in the future. If there is one thing that I think will really not be possible, even with the prolonged passage of time and technological advancement, time travel will be the top choice in my list. Fiction novels and Hollywood movies have given us this false illusion that it will exist in due time. Funny because it reflects humankind’s obsession to this phenomena, which in reality, will break the laws of physics as explained by many scientific theories, especially those of Einstein’s.

I admit that I am also one of those stupid fanatics who also dream of being able to walk in the ghost of my past. Period. But with whatever reasons, time-travel still and will also always hunt my life, giving me the creeps of wanting to see the “uncertain”. I am already talking non-sense here. Haha.